Starting at the finish line

The hum of my own heart terrorizes me, too serene for my own good. I've decided I'm done existing for now, yet my heart still shakes. I can feel it impending.
Judgement Day is every day.
I am betrayed once again by this deceiving body.
Your turn. I want to judge you. I want to criticize and over analyze your every flaw. I want to break you down, body and soul, until you are......
nothing.
Then, when I'm done, when I've consumed everything about you, I want to disgorge you and leave you to thrash about.
Just like you did to me.
I want to judge you.

You are another. You want to study me. You know how to ponder my outline, but you want to reflect upon the cuts, the wounds, the words, the damage that has already been dealt. I'll consider it. Revisit the idea that is sealed tightly in the front of my brain many times. Time expires as I bleed it out, wasting away. One more nick....One more cut.
Can I study you? Would you let me?

Insanity is under the surface. It crawls under my skin...creep, creep, creeping to my brain. I discover my vitals have been stolen, yet I hear a drum beat.  It can't be my heart; although, this body still struggles on. It's tired and broken.
Empty shells break easily.

I can't do this anymore. This thing you call life.